So we are back to that 'Special Party'. And after a brief intermission, the kinky shit began....

Yes, it began with the host asking if we knew the difference between a dildo and a vibrator. Then she plunked (isn't that a great word, love it) down a purple dildo complete with a suction cup -- at the bass, not tip. A suction cup at the tip probably exists, just not in this story. And there it sat, next to me on a coffee table, flopping around -- not unlike the real thing, minus the suction cup and coffee table. Nice.... Then the host went on to explain you can put it on a wall or door or shower and 'back on up'. Really? Did I need to hear that? My dirty ass mind could have come up with that on it's own. However, being Polish it would have taken me a little longer. The dildo section of the party was...brief.

Then we moved on to vibrators....HOLY FUCK! I say that because there are a vast variety and well, I'm sure some say that after using one. They came in all sizes, shapes, colors, movements. Let's just say that I will never look at a 'hummingbird' the same way. Then we did what all normal women do with a bunch of vibrators...we tested them out! On our hands, geez, get your minds out of the gutters.

Back to the dildos for a moment....When I was a kid, in the 80's, I loved all the John Hugh's movies. I mean who didn't? Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson (he has some of the largest nostrils known to man)....Teenage angst. In one movie, I believe it was Breakfast Club, a character used the phrase, "Fucking dildo.' And being a child with crappy vocabulary and a sailor mouth, I knew only 1 of these 2 words. So one day while in the car with my mother we were talking about some relative....no worries, if you are a relative that reads this it's not you (not in contact with this person anymore). Anyway, out of my mouth comes...."She's a dildo." Yes, I should have used that dictionary that my mom gave me before saying such a thing. My mother gently stops the car, looks over at me and asks, "Do you know what a dildo is?" Of course I had no idea, if I did I sure at hell wouldn't have used it in front of her! Meekly I replied, "No." She then proceeded to tell me what it was. I was mortified. How fucking embarrassing! So still to this day when I hear the word dildo, I think of that time in the car with my mother...Fuck, I think I need more therapy!

Back to that party from the other night...They start you off easy. They show you that they are not all dildos and vibrators. They're sort of like a man picking up a woman. They woo you! Well, the first product up was Bosom Buddy. This is a multitasking product. First we dipped our pen toppers, yeah those cute little penises, in. Then you had your choice. Use it as a lip balm or apply it to your nipple. Never fails, there's one in every crowd. Yes, one of the ladies...who was REALLY looking forward to this party...happily applied it to her nipple.  Maybe a little too happily!

Of course there was the pheromone enhancer, hand warmer/massager thingy, body spray (which brings out the colors in your tattoo -- yup, tried this one out), the wet spot dryer-upper -- this let to a rousing TMI discussion on the virtues of towels and the 'drip factor', a throat relaxer (get your mind in the gutter and you'll know what I'm talking about), and of course lubricants -- of all sensations, textures, and flavors.

Then we went on to play a stimulating game of 'Pass The Penis'. Actually it was a foot long double dong. Boy did that thing flop around.

See non-kinky. Please note that I am in no way endorsing (or not endorsing) any product(s).

Or not.

So to get the party started we were given pens with these 'cute' little pen toppers. Yes, folks that is a purple penis. The penis was for dipping purposes you see. We were then given an index card to write some answers on. Shit I hate 'Ice Breaker' Games. Fuck, I hate party games in general. And shit, this one said a lot about me...maybe.So here are the questions with my answers...
1. Your Name: Lisa
2. How you met the hostess(es): via school
3. Name a celebrity: Chelsey Handler...Yeah, this is the one that got me in trouble!
4. Name a female body part: Perky boobies What? Like it's a crime to be proud of mine?
5. Name a male body part: Tip o' penis Yeah, back on track with this one...or not!
6. Your favorite expression: FUCK! To be honest I had so many floating in my head a friend had to shout one out for me. It seemed right.

This is where I possibly became a lesbian...Of course there was some damn story that went with it. Sort of like adult Mad Libs. Here is the story...
Your name is Lisa and you met DD and #4 via school. We are going on a cruise. You are going to bring Chelsey Handler (yes, I know not too bad yet, just hang on). When you put your perky boobies on her tip o' penis (here is where I not only turned into a lesbian, but poor Chelsey Handler has strapped on some Pure Romance product. Hope she's okay with that). She said, "FUCK".
And that is why I may actually be a lesbian.

Here's an 'artsy' pic of a penis...Andy Warhol would be proud (or really turned on)!